The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
