P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
FUCK WHALES
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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