hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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