She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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