I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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