That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
