Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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