Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
