hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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