then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
