At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
