sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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