Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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