if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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