And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
