he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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