Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You made out with two different species that night
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
