it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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