Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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