yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
