I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
