woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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