if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
