I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
