I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
