I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
