ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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