in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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