He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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