But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
