I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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