Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
