I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
