So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
