Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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