woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
