I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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