I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
