i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
