My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
