Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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