Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
