Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
