you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
farters have to be the big spoon...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
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I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
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The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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