At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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