I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
