Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
