Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
