Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
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We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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