We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
