rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
