wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Randomize
