don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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