I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
