There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
