Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
