I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
